You love your partner but every so often you yell at them.
- You yell at your partner because sometimes you think they don’t listen. You ask them if they can take the garbage out for example, or put the laundry away but they don’t. You’ve asked more than once, you’ve asked kindly and patiently but it doesn’t seem to matter how you ask, your partner doesn’t listen.
- You yell at your partner because you feel frustrated with them. You feel frustrated because they are lost in their world and in your opinion, they are oblivious to how you feel. You start to think that your partner doesn’t care about you because if they did care, they wouldn’t be lost in their world. They would be more present and attuned.
- You yell at your partner and sometimes become critical of them. You feel annoyed and rather than explain to your partner why you feel annoyed, you criticise them instead. You criticise their inability to prioritise you for example. Even when your partner does something nice for you, you focus on what your partner got wrong as opposed to the gesture.
Have you considered the following:
- You may yell at your partner because you feel like your needs are not being met. When you don’t feel heard, for example, you feel like you don’t matter and that you're not important even though this isn’t true. You believe that you don’t matter and this negative belief results in a reaction.
- You may yell at your partner and feel frustrated because you don’t feel loved by your partner. Your partner may engage in activities which they enjoy but this doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you. You believe that your partner doesn’t care about you and this negative belief results in a reaction.
- You may yell at your partner and become critical of them because you feel disconnected from them. But rather than explain this to your partner, you become critical. And the more you become critical, the more your partner shuts down or avoids you. You want to feel connected with your partner but when you criticise your partner, this has the opposite effect.
Could you try the following:
- Could you let your partner know when you feel like your needs are not being met? Take a moment and think about your needs and specifically what needs you would like your partner to meet. Communicate these needs to your partner and explain what negative beliefs come to the surface each time you feel like your needs are not being met.
- Could you let your partner know how you feel? Take a moment and think about how you feel when your partner doesn’t take the garbage out or when they forget to put the laundry away. Communicate these feelings to your partner and explain the meaning you create in your mind. You can challenge the meaning you create together.
- Could you let your partner know when you are seeking a connection? Take a moment and think about how it would feel if you could communicate to your partner that you want to strengthen your connection with them. Rather than yelling or criticising your partner, which results in your partner shutting down or avoiding you, you can communicate your need to feel connected.
Resources:
Johnson, S. (2008) Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love
