I often say the ‘F’ word – Feelings – when supporting my clients as some struggle with talking about their feelings and others struggle with regulating their feelings. This blog post focuses on talking about feelings.
Feelings and culture
I grew up in England and similar to many others born and raised in England, we didn’t grow up talking about feelings. My ethnic background is Indian and again, sharing how we feel was not the norm. Rather, I grew up not talking about my feelings and not showing them. If you grew up in an environment where you didn’t talk about your feelings, understandably, as an adult you may struggle to talk about your feelings.
Barriers to talking about feelings
Some of the barriers or roadblocks which prevent people from talking about their feelings include –
- Feeling uncomfortable or awkward about opening up. If growing up, you didn’t share how you felt with a parent, sibling, teacher, or friend, the idea of opening up as an adult may feel daunting and one that you want to avoid.
- Feeling nervous about being vulnerable and worrying about being judged. You may want to open up to your partner or friend but you worry that they won’t understand, that they will judge you and consequently, this will impact your relationship.
- Feeling anxious about being vulnerable and believing that this is a sign of weakness. You may want to share how you feel but part of you believes that talking about your feelings is a sign of weakness rather than a strength.
- Feeling worried and wanting to preserve the image you created of yourself amongst friends and family. You may be the person others turn to when they are struggling and you may not wish to change this. You may also worry that if you share how you feel that you are burdening those around you even though this is not true.
Suggestions to help you talk about your feelings
- Name the feeling – sometimes people struggle to name how they feel as they are not used to naming their feelings. I invite individuals to take some time and to sit with how they are feeling. Sometimes we feel more than one feeling.
- Share the feeling – sometimes people are not able to share with those around them how they feel which results in their partner or friend having to guess. I invite individuals to share how they feel either verbally or by writing it down on paper.
- Notice the feeling – sometimes people feel sensations depending on how they feel. I invite individuals to bring their awareness to any sensations inside their body and to notice how their feeling comes to the surface.
- Lean into the feeling – sometimes people feel worried and they want to talk about their worries with a friend or partner and they are looking for some reassurance. I invite individuals to think about what they need when certain feelings come to the surface. Some folks need some time and space away from loved ones but others need a hug.
Resources
Dr. Gloria Wilcox – The Feeling Wheel