What is shame?
Brene Brown (2013) defined shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” Shame can cause individuals to feel bad about themselves and avoid or withdraw from others.
In counselling, we explore what triggers your feelings of shame and how this impacts your thoughts and behaviours. We unpack how your shame impacts your view of self, self-talk, and self-esteem. Together, we process your feelings of shame, and I help you overcome them.
The origins of shame
In counselling, we explore and understand your feelings of shame and its origins. Your feelings of shame may be rooted in past behaviour, negative feedback from others, expectations of others, trauma, or abuse. I am curious to learn when you first noticed this feeling of shame, how it came to the surface, and how it impacted your life. We explore and unpack how your feelings of shame affect your view of self and your relationship with yourself. We can process the experience that resulted in feelings of shame and shift how you view yourself.
Examples of shame may include your parent judging your physical appearance, experiencing sexual abuse and being told it’s your fault, your partner cheating on you, or your partner leaving you for someone else (Brown, 2007). Sometimes, when clients feel shame, they shut down and avoid discussing their feelings. In counselling, we explore where your feelings of shame stem from and how it impacts your life. I am here to reassure you that you are not alone in your shame, and reaching out and talking about it in counselling can help you overcome it. I create a safe place for clients to unpack shame and fears in a non-judgmental, confidential space.
How Shame Manifests in Daily Life
Shame can manifest and impact individuals at work, social interactions, and relationships with friends, family, or partners.
Work
Some people who struggle with feelings of shame also experience imposter syndrome at work. They believe they are not good enough at their role and may feel like they are letting others down. Other people push themselves and struggle with perfectionism. These individuals exceed expectations to avoid feelings of failure and low self-worth. However, this can also lead to frustration and burnout. I also support individuals who worry about making mistakes at work as they fear being judged and criticised. This fear prevents them from sharing ideas, taking risks, or trying something new.
Relationships
I support individuals who identify as people-pleasers. These clients share that they try to please their partners or family members to the detriment of their well-being. Part of the reason is to avoid conflicts with others. The hope is if others are satisfied and their needs are met, there will be no disagreement or criticism. But in reality, my clients struggle to prioritise and meet the needs of others because sometimes their needs change. Also, it can be exhausting and stressful trying to please others and meet their needs while sacrificing your own needs. As clients identify their needs and build their self-esteem, they learn to prioritise themselves and do not feel bad or guilty.
Overcoming Shame and Rebuilding Self-Esteem
Overcoming shame and rebuilding self-esteem can be transformational. Brown researched shame extensively and shared that we can overcome shame by developing shame resilience (2007, p.32). She created the Shame Resilience Continuum, with fear, blame, and disconnection under shame and courage, compassion, and connection under empathy (Brown, 2007, pp. 31-2). Her Shame Resilience Theory focuses on moving toward empathy to overcome shame (Brown, 2007). We can recognize our feelings of shame, talk about it, and connect with other people, which strengthens shame resilience and, in turn, helps individuals overcome shame (Brown, 2007).
In counselling, I support you in overcoming your feelings of shame. We move from fear and disconnection towards courage and connection. Sometimes, clients who struggle with shame and low self-esteem also view themselves as less deserving or worthy. They have a negative inner dialogue and feel bad about themselves when reflecting on past experiences. I work with these clients, and together, we challenge negative beliefs and thoughts regarding their self-worth. I am curious and kind and encourage you to do the same. I invite you to reflect on experiences with kindness and compassion.
Steps to Build True Self-Esteem
1. Cultivate self-compassion
In counselling, I invite you to be kind and compassionate to yourself. This will help reduce feelings of shame. You will shift from believing you are a bad person to understanding that you engaged in behaviour you regret. Your behaviour does not define you; we can learn from past behaviours. It can be helpful to picture a close friend or someone you love and think about how you would support them if they shared that they were struggling with shame. As your counsellor, I invite clients to show themselves the same kindness they show others. If you want to learn more about self-compassion, I recommend reading Firece Self Compassion by Kristen Neff.
2. Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs
Shame can impact our self-talk, and some people struggle with a negative inner dialogue. Your self-talk may be critical, harsh, and negative, making you feel bad about yourself. This part of you may focus on your shortcomings or mistakes. It also focuses on negative thoughts and beliefs about you that aren’t true. Some of our work in counselling is challenging these negative thoughts and beliefs. I incorporate Cognitive Behaviour Therapy techniques, such as distinguishing between facts and thoughts. I also encourage clients to search for evidence proving the negative beliefs are untrue. This, in turn, helps build your self-esteem and shifts how you view yourself.
3. Identify your strengths
In counselling, I encourage individuals to reflect on their strengths and achievements. This can feel like a daunting task, and sometimes clients struggle. In these instances, I encourage clients to ask their best friend or a loved one to help them identify their strengths and positive attributes. Focusing on your strengths and accomplishments helps build your self-esteem and challenges your negative core beliefs. Writing your strengths in a journal can be helpful, but some clients prefer to create a board with images. I also have clients who create a list on their phone. I suggest doing what works best for you.
4. Form healthy boundaries
Building self-esteem involves identifying and prioritizing one’s needs and wants. Sometimes, clients struggle to meet their own needs because they prioritize the needs of others. Our work together may include setting healthy boundaries with coworkers, family members, or friends. If you have low self-esteem and identify as a people pleaser, you may find communicating and meeting your needs challenging. You may also struggle to say no to tasks or requests when uninterested or lacking energy. We work together in counselling to prioritize your needs and wants by forming healthy boundaries with others. Every time you say no to someone else, you prioritize yourself and your needs and say yes to yourself. It feels uncomfortable initially, but the more you learn to say no, the more you realise you can.
5. Practice mindfulness
Sometimes, when feelings of shame and negative self-talk surface, individuals find themselves overthinking and feeling overwhelmed. Some find it challenging to stay present and grounded in the moment. In counselling, we explore techniques to help you stay present in the moment. Some people find breathing techniques such as belly breathing, box breathing, or deep breathing helpful. Other people find doing a body scan or a visualisation exercise helps them stay grounded. I incorporate mindfulness techniques from Dialectical Behavioural Therapy to support clients. Mindfulness reminds us that while we have many thoughts daily, our thoughts are not facts.
6. Practice gratitude
Focusing on what you have in life instead of what may be missing can increase your self-esteem. Acknowledging and writing down what you are grateful for can help you develop a more positive outlook. It can also remind you of everything you have, including good health, relationships, and a stable job. You may have goals and aspirations that you are working on, but focusing on how far you will come will reflect your strengths and determination. In counselling, I work with clients to consider the achievements they gained while overcoming obstacles and struggles.
7. Set goals
Setting achievable goals results in clients feeling good and a sense of accomplishment. Sometimes, clients feel stuck and struggle to achieve their goals, which leaves them feeling defeated and disappointed. In counselling, we work together to identify roadblocks and ways to overcome them. We also spend time exploring how to create achievable goals. Taking small steps can help you make the change you want. Creating and maintaining healthy habits can help individuals achieve long-term goals. All of the small steps you maintain are significant and worth acknowledging. In counselling, I encourage clients to write down and reflect on all the steps they achieved, as this serves as a reminder.
8. Take care of you
I support clients who sometimes find it difficult to take care of themselves. For example, they struggle to eat three healthy, balanced meals daily. Sometimes, they forget to eat or are too tired to cook, resulting in them eating less nutritious food. Some clients struggle to sleep and get to bed later than hoped. Consequently, they wake up feeling tired and sleep-deprived. Many of the clients I support know the benefits of physical exercise. However, some of them struggle to leave the house when they are feeling low, depressed, and having a bad day. Your self-esteem improves when you prioritise taking care of yourself and meeting your needs around exercise, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough sleep.
9. Forgive yourself
I support clients who struggle to forgive themselves for past experiences. These experiences can cause them to feel shame and guilt, impacting how they view themselves and connect with others. In counselling, we explore how clients can forgive themselves and how past experiences do not define them as individuals. Learning to forgive yourself can help improve self-esteem and heal. We can not change past experiences, but we can change how you feel about them. Our self-esteem is lower when we feel bad or not good enough due to past behaviours and experiences. Some of our work in counselling may include accepting your past and being kind to yourself, including parts of you that you struggle to accept.
10. Perfectionism
I support clients who identify as perfectionists. They work incredibly hard to exceed what is expected of them. This often means working harder and for longer. Some clients feel defeated and low when the presentation or project is not perfect in their eyes. They are critical and harsh towards themselves. Feedback from others is positive, but my clients believe their work was not good enough, which then shifts to them feeling like they are not good enough. In counselling, we work together to shift these beliefs and explore their origins. I support clients in overcoming perfectionism and shifting their inner dialogue to be kinder and more compassionate.
Why Choose At Ease Counseling for Shame and Self-Esteem Support?
Client-driven approach
At Ease Counselling sessions focus on meeting you where you are and working at your pace alongside you with compassion, kindness, and curiosity in Burnaby and online.
Evidence-based modalities
At Ease Counselling services, I incorporate evidence-based modalities in every session. I am trained in various evidence-based modalities, including Acceptance Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Each of these modalities equips me to support your unique needs, and we work together to achieve your counselling goals.
Anti-oppressive practice
At Ease Counselling understands the impact of inequality and oppression when supporting you in a safe, non-judgmental, inclusive space in Burnaby and online. People from all ethnic backgrounds, genders, and sexual orientations, including 2SLGBTQI+, are welcome.
References
Brene Brown (2007) I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Telling the truth about perfectionism, inadequacy, and power. Gotham Books.
Brene Brown (2013) https://brenebrown.com/articles/2013/01/15/shame-v-guilt/
