This blog post will focus on:
- Understanding boundaries for teens
- Types of personal boundaries essential for teens
- Unhealthy boundaries – what are unhealthy boundaries, and examples of them
- Teaching boundaries to teens: examples of counselling modalities and how they can support teens and parents in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.
- How to strengthen family connection with boundaries – examples of what parents can do to strengthen their relationship with their teenager.
- Reach out if you would like to learn more or have any questions.
Understanding Boundaries for Teens
Boundaries help teenagers learn and understand what feels okay or not for them. It also helps them with their emotional, social, and physical development. Moreover, it helps teenagers build healthy relationships and a strong view of themselves.
Types of Personal Boundaries Essential for Teens
There are seven types of boundaries:
- Physical boundaries: Refers to personal space and physical touch (for example, hugging, touching, and how close someone stands or sits next to them).
- Emotional boundaries: Focuses on feelings (for example, teenagers sharing feelings when they feel ready).
- Intellectual boundaries – Refers to thoughts and ideas (for example, teenagers sharing thoughts with others).
- Sexual boundaries – Focuses on sexuality and with whom and how teenagers express this.
- Material boundaries – Refers to how teenagers use their money and possessions.
- Digital boundaries: Teaching teenagers about their digital presence (for example, who can follow, comment, like, or view a post they’ve posted online).
- Time boundaries: Focuses on how teenagers spend their time (for example, declining plans if they need to rest, recharge, or study).
Unhealthy Boundaries
What are unhealthy boundaries?
A teenager may feel disrespected and violated when interacting with someone, and they may have an unhealthy boundary. They may not feel heard or seen, and over time, this may impact their view of self and self-esteem.
Examples of unhealthy boundaries for teenagers
- Physical boundaries:
-Some teenagers may feel like they have to hug or engage in physical contact even though they don’t want to and feel uncomfortable.
-Some teenagers may overstep and disrespect other people’s space.
-Some teenagers may agree to physical contact due to fear and wanting to avoid conflict.
- Emotional boundaries:
-Some teenagers may not share their needs or feelings because they fear rejection, judgment, or criticism.
-Some teenagers may take responsibility for other people’s feelings and blame themselves for things.
-Some teenagers may overshare personal information and feelings with people they do not know well.
- Intellectual boundaries
-Some teenagers may not share their thoughts and instead agree with others even when they differ from their own.
-Some teenagers may not develop their thoughts and views.
-Some teenagers may not be able to accept other perspectives and consequently be closed-minded.
- Sexual boundaries
-Some teenagers may agree to sexual activity despite not feeling comfortable.
-Some teenagers may not feel comfortable expressing or exploring their sexual needs and instead suppress or avoid them.
- Material boundaries
-Some teenagers may overspend on friends or themselves as a coping mechanism.
-Some teenagers may give away possessions, hoping others will like and accept them.
- Digital boundaries
-Some teenagers may post on social media, hoping others will like their post and relying on this as external validation.
-Some teenagers may share information or photos of themselves despite not feeling comfortable doing so.
-Some teenagers may share personal information online with individuals they don’t know.
- Time boundaries
-Some teenagers may seek downtime but may not feel comfortable sharing this with their friends.
-Some teenagers may want to study or spend time in the library, but they may worry about how others will perceive them if they do this.
-Some teenagers may learn to prioritise others and people-pleasing rather than meeting their needs.
Teaching Boundaries to Teens
As a parent trying to teach your teenager about boundaries, you may feel overwhelmed and struggle to find a way forward. In counselling, I support parents and individuals in understanding and implementing healthy boundaries. I use various counselling modalities, such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help parents and individuals.
Teaching boundaries to teens using CBT
- Understand thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.
-I work with teenagers to identify their thoughts, thinking patterns, and negative thoughts. For example, some teenagers may believe that they are selfish for prioritising how they spend their time after school. They may feel bad or guilty for not spending time with extended family or friends.
-In counselling, we unpack where teenagers’ negative thoughts and beliefs stem from and how they impact their lives. I also focus on the importance of balancing individual needs with those of others. We explore fears associated with creating healthy boundaries and the likelihood of these fears coming true.
- Understanding cognitive distortions.
-I work with teenagers to identify cognitive distortions such as black-and-white thinking, catastrophizing, and overgeneralization. For example, some teenagers may think that if they share their opinions and differ from those of their friends, their friends will no longer want to spend time with them. They may worry that they will lose all of their friends.
-In counselling, we focus on the evidence and search for incidents of when this may have occurred with someone else at school. Often, we conclude that this fear stems from not feeling accepted and that there is little evidence to suggest that the friendship will end.
- Problem solving
-I work with teens to explore potential problems they worry will arise if they set boundaries. We focus on how they solve problems and where they feel stuck. For example, some teenagers may worry that if they say no, their friends will perceive them differently and perhaps not include them in future gatherings. We unpack what would happen if they said no, how they would feel and behave, versus if they didn’t.
-In counselling, we focus on planning and determining the best solution for a teenager. We also identify other feelings that may surface, such as anxiety, and discuss coping mechanisms for this.
Teaching boundaries to teens using DBT
- DEARMAN
-I work with teens and implement this interpersonal effectiveness skill to help them create and maintain healthy boundaries.
Describe – I encourage teenagers to describe the situation with no judgment.
Express – I invite teens to share their feelings and opinions using “I” statements.
Assert – I encourage teens to share what they need or want. This may involve them saying no.
Reinforce or reward – Teenagers can express appreciation and gratitude if others hear and receive their request.
Mindful – I support teenagers in staying focused on their goals and avoiding distractions.
Appear confident – I encourage teenagers to appear confident by focusing on their body language, posture, and tone of voice.
Negotiate – I support teenagers in communicating what they need and what they are willing to do in return. For example, they may not be able to meet a friend after school, but they may be able to see them on the weekend.
- FAST
-When working with teens, this is another interpersonal skill I incorporate to help them feel good about themselves when they create boundaries.
Fair- I encourage teenagers to be fair to themselves and others. For example, they should balance their needs and wants with those of others. This may involve contacting their friends and sharing where they would like to meet, rather than waiting for them to reach out and decide on a place.
Apologies – I support teenagers so they don’t overapologise for sharing their needs or wants, emotions, opinions, and saying no.
Stick – I work with teens to ensure they adhere to their values and don’t compromise them when engaging with friends, at work, or with their partners.
Truthful – I encourage teenagers to be truthful when communicating with others.
- GIVE
-When supporting teens, this is another interpersonal skill I use to help them build and maintain healthy relationships.
G – be gentle – When I work with teens and adults, I encourage them to be kind and respectful. This can include making eye contact, listening without judgment, and using a soft, gentle tone.
I – act interested – I encourage teens and adults to show interest by asking questions, being patient, and actively listening.
V- validate – I support teens and adults in validating others, which involves understanding where the other person is coming from.
E- easy manner – I work with teens and adults to embrace an easy-going manner. I encourage clients to use their Wise minds to determine when to be easy-going.
Teaching boundaries to teens using ACT
- Acceptance of emotions
-I work with teenagers to identify and accept difficult thoughts and emotions. For example, some teens may feel anxious about declining an invitation from friends. They may worry about how their friend may react, how they feel, and what they may do.
-In counselling, I support teens in sitting with these feelings and being curious and compassionate towards themselves. We make space for them and also gently challenge negative thoughts and beliefs. Some teens will feel reassured and learn that many of their worries and negative thoughts will not come true.
- Values
-I work with teenagers and parents to explore their values. For example, some parents share how their parents raised them and some of the values they instilled in them. They identify values that no longer resonate with them and instead focus on how they want to parent differently.
-In counselling, I support teens in identifying their values and how they want to incorporate these into their daily lives. This helps them identify interactions, situations, or relationships that do not align with their values. Moreover, it helps them create and maintain boundaries that align with their values.
- Present moment awareness and mindfulness
-I support teenagers and parents in identifying their thoughts and feelings in the present moment. Clients learn to notice what happens inside them as they navigate daily life. They may discover that certain feelings arise in certain situations or when interacting with key individuals.
-In counselling, we explore whether a client’s feelings are connected to an experience where they felt their boundary was being crossed. We then unpack what prevented the client from communicating their needs and feelings, and what they may do differently next time.
How to Strengthen Family Connection with Boundaries
As a parent, you may worry about your teenage kid creating healthy boundaries. Here are a few suggestions you can implement at home to help you feel more connected as a family.
- Feelings
– Encourage your teenager to share their feelings when you implement a healthy boundary.
– Encourage your teenager to share their feelings when someone at school crosses their boundary.
– Be curious to learn from your teenager what is okay and what is not okay.
- Needs and wants
-Encourage your teenager to share their needs and wants.
-Spend time practicing communicating these needs at home.
-Be curious and open to learning more about what prevents your teenager from feeling comfortable engaging in this exercise.
- Modeling healthy boundaries
-As a parent, I encourage you to model healthy boundaries around your children.
-Be respectful of your teenager’s boundaries.
-Provide support when and if your teenager discloses that they feel like their boundary was violated.
Final thoughts
Teaching teenagers boundaries can feel overwhelming and stressful. If you want to learn more about how counselling could support you or your teenager, please reach out today. I offer a free 15-minute consultation online or in person.
